The Missing Tooth

Getting off a plane at Newark Airport, and then jumping into a rental car is not a feat for the faint-hearted. Driving in New Jersey can be––let’s say––different, and you need to re-learn some of the basics.
One of the most important things to know about driving in New Jersey is the correct use of the horn.
1. Using The Horn at Traffic Signals.
The lights turn green and you honk at the car in front of you, correct?
No. Wrong. To show that you’re really a Jersey driver you need to refine your touch with regard to this matter.
A real Jersey driver waits for the car in front to begin moving, and then gives him a quick 3-5 second blast.
Simple in essence, but it still needs just the right touch. Honk too early and you might just be a reasonable, but impatient New Yorker in a hurry. Leave it too late and the car in front might think you’re honking someone else. Or even worse you’re a Georgia driver who’s hit the horn by mistake while leaning across to check your Glock is in the glove compartment.
2. Honking at a Car at an Adjacent Intersection.
Once you’ve got the hang of the above, this one should be a snip. You’re driving on a major road and a car pulls up at an intersection ahead of you. You give them a quick beep to make sure the other driver has seen you, and doesn’t pull out in front of you.
Wrong?
You make sure the car at the intersection has come to a full stop, and then give it a brief 5 second tap on the horn. Late at night in residential areas you should honk for 10 to fifteen seconds. If the driver does pull out in front of you you’ll need lots of witnesses.
3. Honking At Someone Behind You.
Think you’re a real Jersey driver now? Can you honk at the car behind you?
Try it. Not so easy.
I’ve only managed to master one version of this important method of using the horn.
Pull over to the side on a busy road.
Turn off the lights and straighten the wheels, but keep the engine running.
Wait for a small-ish car to approach.
Wait until you see the whites of the driver’s eyes, then in one move turn the wheel, switch on the lights, and pull out right into the driver’s path.
As soon as you’ve blocked the lane, come to a stop and honk for 5 seconds.
Congratulations. You’ve honked at a car behind you, and you are now a Jersey driver.
To celebrate, wind down your window and invite the other driver to consider himself “totally f—ing stupid.”

This entry was posted on January 30, 2010 at 9:30 PM and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.