How to Tailgate Like a Pro.

How to Tailgate Like a Pro.
Okay guys, we all know how to tailgate, right?
You just tuck your Escalade in as close as you can behind any old weiner in a hatchback, and just stay there.
Think that’s tailgating? Think again.
These days the average hatchback driver is so used to seeing a giant radiator grill filling his entire rear-view mirror, that if the glass is clear he thinks there’s something wrong with the said mirror.
No. Merely careening along at high speeds, a few feet behind a much smaller car, is now considered, practically, to be normal driving.
Any jackass in an SUV can do it.
It’s your dad’s tailgating.
These days you need to tailgate with a little panache.
Fine tailgating is an art form, and like all art forms it needs to be useless.
Remember, real tailgating isn’t about getting anywhere faster, it’s about asserting yourself on the highway, so your tailgating has to be obviously pointless. Here are a couple of starter techniques.
1: THE SLIDING PUZZLE.
Only tailgate in the left-hand lane if there’s another vehicle right in front of your victim. This is especially effective if the victim can’t pull over to the right and let you pass.
Now the pipsqueak is going to see you in his mirror and say to himself, “what the…! If I move over and let this SUV-driving-dick pass me he’ll immediately be stuck behind the car in front of me.”
The result is that your victim will get angry. He will not pull over and let you pass. He will sit there, getting angrier and angrier, thinking that he is defying you.
He could not be more wrong. By staying there he is doing exactly what you want. You want to keep tailgating him. It’s your in-car entertainment. Few things are funnier than an angry pipsqueak.
This is known as the SLIDING PUZZLE as you victim has to somehow make a space to move over to the right, so that you can move into his space.
2: THE JERSEY TAILGATE.
This is a classic. Tailgate in the right-hand lane. Your victim is plodding along in the slow lane, thinking he’s staying out of the craziness, and suddenly there you are, filling his mirror. He’s going to have no idea what to do. Do you want him to pull over into faster-moving traffic to let you pass!? He’s not merely going to be angry, he’s going to be angry AND confused. This is a standard on  New Jersey’s Garden State Parkway, where making yourself appear to be insane is an important component of effective driving.
3: THE BOB-AND-WEAVE.
This one takes a little experience, and a little nerve. Get as close as you can to your little victim, stay there for a few seconds, then allow yourself to drift back.
Now, just as your victim is thinking you’re letting him off lightly, step on the gas. Don’t slow down until the last moment. You want your victim to think you’re going to ram him.
Next, move over to the left. Make it look as if you’re going to try and squeeze past in the impossibly narrow space between your victim and the median divider.
Try all of the above during daylight first, then once you’re proficient you can try them at night, with the added bonus being able to use your brights to add to the confusion.
Once again remember that your tailgating must be obviously pointless.
You are not saying, “Excuse me, may I pass?”
You are saying, “I have no idea where I’m going, but wherever it is, you, Buddy, are in the way.”